Maine vs. California: The War that Crossed a Nation

I return once again, after a week of silence. I’m sure that the endless abyss of the internet missed me. Anyway, I am currently failing as a blogger. I have spent this entire week fretting over what to write about instead of producing some quality work for readers to appreciate.

Should I write a poem about the difficulties of using a strange shower? No, too cheesy.

Should I write a short narrative on what I believe led to the existence of the majestic puffin? No, I don’t want to make people realize I am crazy (yet).

WHAT SHOULD I WRITE ABOUT?!

Well, a conversation with some of my co-workers (Joe, from Cali, and Katie, my fellow Mainiac) this morning has finally brought me my answer.

**The following is in no way, shape, or form based on actual information. This is purely the creation of my own awesome and uneducated ideas**

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Maine vs. California: The War that Crossed a Nation

Who would win in a war (of undetermined cause), The Golden State that spans most of the west coast or the humble Pine Tree State that I call home? Let’s begin by examining each state.

Strengths

California: More people, probably more bombs, resources more valuable to other states and countries (?), more active military bases, surfers, vehicles suffer minimal rust, everything wants to kill you

Maine: Lots of food (blueberries, clams, lobster, potatoes, stable agriculture, etc.), bad roads in winter, lots of people already living primarily off the land, Atlantic puffins (cuter than the tufted puffin that can be seen on the California coast), Stephen King, most people think we belong to Canada (even Canadians)

Weaknesses

California: On fire 90% of the year, no water 80% of the year, flooding and mudslides when there is no fire, people have no cold tolerance

Maine: Deep snow and cold temperatures in winter, most military bases are old forts from the World Wars, people are not used to things besides moose wanting to kill them,

A Few Points

  1. Maine has enough resources to support a modest population. It can be assumed that many of the none-natives whose loyalties lie elsewhere will leave the state upon the mention of war with Cali. If they leave, the farmers and those loyal to Maine will remain, creating a modest population easily sustained by the local agriculture. This means that sieging Maine will result in nothing but us returning to our independent roots.
  2. California probably has access to enough weapons to blow Maine to bits, as well as enough people (assuming they all join the fight). However, they need to convince the rest of the states and countries taking the side of Maine to let them attack.
  3. Maine could send a few infiltrates into California to tamper with the three watering holes that exist there, assuming they can survive the snakes, bugs, spiders, jelly fish, and every other creature that wants them dead. California will dehydrate while they are on fire.
  4. California’s rust-free vehicles may be in better shape to weather Maine winters than the local cars and trucks. However, can Californians drive in snow?
  5. Anyone who has ever read a Stephen King novel knows that Maine has some creepy stuff going on. Who knows how much of it is real and craving tan, fish-flavored flesh that has been toned by years spent surfing the majestic waves off the Cali coast?

Alas, I am far too in love with my home state to make an unbiased decision of who would win. What do you think?

 

… Oh, right. The puffins. They really serve no strategical advantage for Maine. They are just cuter than both the horned puffin (Alaska/British Columbia) and the tufted puffin (Alaska/California).

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