Tonight, I Cry

­I used to cry at night

For pains not easily forgotten.

I used to lie awake and let my agonies

Trail down my cheeks like soothing rivers.

I used to carve my miseries

Into lined pages with a brightly-colored pen.

 

I used to cry for the empty spaces

Left by goodbyes.

I used to let tears flow

And wash away a boy’s unwanted touch.

I used to whisper the same awful words to myself

That had been left in my memory by another’s voice.

 

I used to cry for the mysterious pain

That emerged as the darkness whispered.

I used to wonder how anyone could survive

When bridges, knives, and winding roads existed.

I used to consider all of those smiling faces

And sob because I didn’t belong with them.

 

Tonight, I pine for the evils of the world

That I knew would never heal.

Tonight, I ache for those who bleed

At the mercy of forces they cannot stop.

Tonight, I cry because somewhere, I know

My student cries the same.

 

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High

High.

That’s where I am.

High, apple pie, sky high!

High as I flew, a child on the swings!

High as a bird riding the invisible!

I don’t belong in the sky…

I’m so high up that anything is possible.

My best friend will flash me her smile!

My heart will never pine for lost love again!

The darkness can never touch me,

So long as I stay this high!

This isn’t hope; it’s just another lie…

Euphoric, exhilarated, excited for life!

This isn’t an illusion gifted by impairment!

I did this! My own mind!

All I need is–

What? Why am I here…

My heart shrieks for all to witness:

“You can’t touch me! You can’t stop me! You can’t–”

Please, not again…

Then you do.

You, the world, shatter me.

You, my life, pull me down.

You, my mind, rip away the bliss of the High.

Returning to where I belong…

And I fall down.

Down, below the earth.

Down, through the surface.

Down…

To the everwaiting darkness.

Oh, how I hate the High…

It Was Bad Today

It was bad today.

It was the kind of bad that makes it hard

To put one foot in front of the other,

To smile at people I love,

To be around happiness.

 

It was bad today,

And I didn’t ask anyone for help.

I didn’t reach out because

You said you didn’t want to,

And you said that I was weak,

And you said that people like me

Didn’t have a place in this world.

 

It was bad today,

So I tried to do everything right.

I smiled,

I put myself in crowds of people,

I laughed.

 

It was bad today,

And I was alone.

Him

I’m searching for a connection

Without a direction.

I’ve got to capture that feeling

I felt when he had me reeling.

The way I felt when his eyes

Held promises of love’s endless skies,

And the way his hands felt

Caressing my hair and making my heart melt.

The way that his arms

Still make feel safe from harm,

And the way that his smile

Still makes my heart beat, like running a mile,

Tell me I still love him,

But now that I need him

I can’t breathe without him,

My mind boils with him,

He’s leaving me cold,

But I can’t shake the hold

That he has on my heart.

I tell myself that he’s only a part

Of the greater whole

And one day, I won’t feel this hole

That I feel when he leaves me

Lonely as he’s sleeping carefree.

I’m hurting inside,

But his blind spots are wide,

And he is dumb to my pain.

My heart, by his sword, is laid slain.

My tears are stupid to him.

My cries are unjust to him.

My needs are pointless to him.

My love is useless to him.

Earn his affections? I’ve tried.

Beg for his attention? I’ve cried.

I’m standing in the bathroom,

As, drunkenly, the world swoons.

I demand to know why,

As I watch myself cry.

Why does he say that he loves me

Only to leave my arms empty?

Is my character to rough?

Do I not laugh enough?

Do I worry too much?

Am I only a crutch

For him to lean on

Until the next lover comes along?

Do I need to dye my hair

To match his last flare?

Maybe for him to be impressed

I need to don a prettier dress?

Is it the way that I walk?

Or, perhaps, it’s the speed at which I talk?

Was it all my of my scars

That made him stop seeing stars?

Are my jokes too queer?

Is it all I hold dear?

Does he really love me?

I wish I could see

The truth within him,

The thoughts that circle him,

The past that built him,

The reason that, to him,

I will always be in second place.

Will I always hate my own face?

How can I best dance

To earn his coveted romance?

Even though my heart sings,

I fear I will always be his nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

Time for a Laugh

Well, I have once again forgotten to come up with a decent post ahead of time. I am planning a short story or two for the next week or so, so be on the lookout! 

For now, please have a laugh on me.

My girls shared this video with me awhile back, and it makes me burst out laughing every time I see it!

https://youtu.be/6A9M226_28Y

Graduation Shenanigans

Hello! Long time, no post!

As some of you may know, I am graduating today after 4 long years of social hell (a completely different story than I will tell today). I have recently been swamped with tasks for my student teaching experience and graduation. Between having to make two different, giant portfolios for my student teaching class, plan lessons and other activities for my actual students, and get my life in order for graduation, I have been swamped. Unfortunately, between this and the general exhaustion I have experienced (thanks, life), I haven’t posted in almost a whole month. I think this is perhaps my worst dry spell for blogging, and after my relatively awful loyalty to the blog earlier this year, I’m pretty embarrassed.

Now that summer is rolling around, I look forward to having more time to dedicate to Mumbles from a Puffin. I can honestly say that without the regularity of posting here, my life has felt unanchored in so many ways. Well, enough about me. I want to take this opportunity to thank those who have helped me get to where I am today.


Mum and Pa

Almost everyone posts this kind of thanks. However, while the act of thanking my parents is not special, they most certainly are. They encouraged me to do well in everything. They have paid for my lifeguard certifications, activity fees, and food when my funds were insufficient. They ensured that I had a reliable (and adorable) car to get places. Mum has patched the shorts I have worn holes through seven times over, and Pa has given me money for gas. They have both encouraged and supported me, no matter how stressed and crotchety I have been.

 

Teachers

I had the unique experience of being able to student teach in the same school I went to high school at. This is the school that first made me want to become a teacher. My freshman year, I entered the school without having attended a traditional school since Pre-K. I was a nervous former-homeschool kid who knew nothing about how to sit in a class and take notes. All of my learning had happened straight from the book at my own pace. To say the least, I struggled for the first few weeks. However, my teachers were wonderful. They provided me with help and support, they listened when I had concerns, they challenged me, and they understood my struggles.

After my first few weeks, with Mrs. McCool, Ms. Clark, Ms. Johnson, Mr. Regut, and so many others taking the extra time to help me succeed, my grades flourished. Throughout my next four years there, I would gain an admiration for so many more teachers, Mr. Robilliard (my future student teaching mentor teacher), Mrs. Malley, Mrs. Foss, Mr. Barden, Mrs. Tran, Ms. E, Ms. Mac, and every other teacher I can’t hope to name here. They all inspired me and fueled my desire to teach.

 

Friends

This one could get quite long. I could thank every single one of my friends specifically, but I would have to dedicate an entire series of blogposts to that endeavor. Unfortunately, I will have to be picky as to fit this into a few paragraphs. There will also be pictures in this section, some of which you have definitely seen before.

First, Jake, my townie friend from college. Jake gets his own category for being the closest friend I made in all the four years I spent at college, and he didn’t even go there. He just lived locally. While I struggled to make close friends in my classes and work, Jake was some dude I met on a school trip he had somehow managed to weasel his way into. He just lived locally. Jake was there for all the laughs, but he was also my nearest friend when I found myself in an undesirable situation with an ex. Everyone needs a best friend like Jake to remind you that you’re human. Everyone also needs a friend like Jake to see every Star Wars premier with and pose for epic photos with your light sabers.

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Next, my best friends. These are the people who have kept me sane, been my voices of reason, and reminded me to laugh even when things are falling apart. Every monarch has a group of advisors to keep them from accidentally annihilating an entire village, and these people are mine. Thank you Billy, Shannon, Dan, Alex, and everyone else. There are papers that have been turned in because of your antics, decisions that have been made with your advice, and sanity intact because of your friendship.

Finally, the last two people I would like to thank are my soul sisters. These girls have transcended the title of “best friend” and become something so much more. Dawn and Judy have experienced everything with me, from my greatest joys to my hardest struggles. I can’t even think of where to start when talking about these ladies—there’s just too much I could say. Everyone needs someone like my girls in their lives. These people can be your backbone when you are a cowardly puddle. They can make you laugh even when you’re a complete wreck. They can understand your worst pain and remind you that you are not alone. They can get you through anything. I have no idea where I would be without these two (probably in a strait jacket). Dawn and I are actually both graduating today (her in NY, me in ME), so we just had to make matching caps for the occasion!


Well, I could go on for days about all the people I could thank for getting me here, but I will refrain. My normal (ish) blog posts will return next Saturday. I cannot wait to get back into the groove of things!

“Don’t take life too seriously, no one makes it out alive!” –Elbert Hubbard

“Life’s Uncertain, Eat Dessert First”

Photo credit to Judy and Billy, my two best friends whose Snap Stories I stole…

“Life’s uncertain, eat dessert first.”

These are the words from a decorative wall hanging at a diner my father used to take me to as a child. At the time, these words were nothing more to me than a way to convince Pa to let me have sugary cereal or more syrup on my pancakes. Now, these words have come to mean so much more to me.

I love food, and this has led me to think of life as a kind of meal.

The simple things that are seemingly unimportant, those interactions with strangers, the familiar cars you pass every morning on your way to work, the smile someone gives you when you hold the door, the adrenaline that comes from being 20 minutes late for a date—these are all the appetizers of life. They can keep you going, and they’re good, but they make you want more.

The big things in life, the important things, your job, your obligations, your hobbies, your home, your favorite stores—these things are the entrée. They are the biggest part of your life. You can skip the appetizer, but you cannot skip the main part of the meal. That’s just plain wrong.

My favorite part of a meal—and of life—is dessert. It’s the sweetest part. It’s the most memorable part of a meal. The greatest dessert life has to offer is the little moments with those you love the most. For me, these are family gatherings, unplanned picnics with my best friends, a yearly movie night to watch the new Star Wars with my townie friend from college, the unspoken words passed between two people who know each other just with a second of eye contact, and so many more. These things may seem distant and pointless to others, but to me, these moments are what make life worth it. I could live without them, but I’m so glad I don’t have to—just like I don’t have to live without that chocolate lava cake after my meal.

The thing is, I’ve caught myself pushing these moments shared with the ones I love the most to the back burner. I’ve been saving dessert for last. The thing is, maybe I’ll choke while eating my meal. Maybe the rest of life will suck me in so far that I lose myself before I ever get to have another moment with my friends or family. The thing is, I might get so wrapped up in life that I forget to appreciate the sweetest parts of my life.

The thing is, our time here is short. I will never know when my last “dessert” moment will be. I will never know when I might share my last laugh with any of my loved ones. The thing is that at any moment I could lose the ability to have another special moment with the people I love the most.

I realize that I am seemingly spiraling into some form of existential crisis, but some strange part of me believes this to be a good thing. I’m going to take a wild guess that this is pretty normal for people to encounter at some stage in their lives. It is a time when you realize your own mortality and mortality of your favorite people. I’m finally realizing all of this almost two full months after a friend of mine passed, and we never got to “hang out again sometime” as we had planned.

There are accidents, mistakes, and fights. People leave and never come back. There is always a last embrace, a last kiss goodnight, and a last laugh. I just hope I can make each of these a priority.

“Life’s uncertain, eat dessert first”

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