I’m searching for a connection

Without a direction.

I’ve got to capture that feeling

I felt when he had me reeling.

The way I felt when his eyes

Held promises of love’s endless skies,

And the way his hands felt

Caressing my hair and making my heart melt.

The way that his arms

Still make feel safe from harm,

And the way that his smile

Still makes my heart beat, like running a mile,

Tell me I still love him,

But now that I need him

I can’t breathe without him,

My mind boils with him,

He’s leaving me cold,

But I can’t shake the hold

That he has on my heart.

I tell myself that he’s only a part

Of the greater whole

And one day, I won’t feel this hole

That I feel when he leaves me

Lonely as he’s sleeping carefree.

I’m hurting inside,

But his blind spots are wide,

And he is dumb to my pain.

My heart, by his sword, is laid slain.

My tears are stupid to him.

My cries are unjust to him.

My needs are pointless to him.

My love is useless to him.

Earn his affections? I’ve tried.

Beg for his attention? I’ve cried.

I’m standing in the bathroom,

As, drunkenly, the world swoons.

I demand to know why,

As I watch myself cry.

Why does he say that he loves me

Only to leave my arms empty?

Is my character to rough?

Do I not laugh enough?

Do I worry too much?

Am I only a crutch

For him to lean on

Until the next lover comes along?

Do I need to dye my hair

To match his last flare?

Maybe for him to be impressed

I need to don a prettier dress?

Is it the way that I walk?

Or, perhaps, it’s the speed at which I talk?

Was it all my of my scars

That made him stop seeing stars?

Are my jokes too queer?

Is it all I hold dear?

Does he really love me?

I wish I could see

The truth within him,

The thoughts that circle him,

The past that built him,

The reason that, to him,

I will always be in second place.

Will I always hate my own face?

How can I best dance

To earn his coveted romance?

Even though my heart sings,

I fear I will always be his nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

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