Wanton Heart

A secret world,

Marred by fear

Yet still shining

With endless beauty

And glistening

With the promise

Of a 2am dream,

Lies, waiting, within

That wanton heart.

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It was just a moment
With two eyes,
Storm blue
And laughing
As they met my own.

It was just a moment
With a leather jacket
Covering all but
Familiar hands,
Strumming away.

It was just a moment,
Standing in the corner,
Out of the way,
Seeing an old friend
In an unfamiliar light.


No picture since I’m on my iPad because the power is out here, but that doesn’t mean I’m not writing! With a mobile hotspot (and an acceptance that I’m going to be paying extra for data once the projected 1-2 weeks without power is up), anything is possible!

Tonight, I Cry

­I used to cry at night

For pains not easily forgotten.

I used to lie awake and let my agonies

Trail down my cheeks like soothing rivers.

I used to carve my miseries

Into lined pages with a brightly-colored pen.

 

I used to cry for the empty spaces

Left by goodbyes.

I used to let tears flow

And wash away a boy’s unwanted touch.

I used to whisper the same awful words to myself

That had been left in my memory by another’s voice.

 

I used to cry for the mysterious pain

That emerged as the darkness whispered.

I used to wonder how anyone could survive

When bridges, knives, and winding roads existed.

I used to consider all of those smiling faces

And sob because I didn’t belong with them.

 

Tonight, I pine for the evils of the world

That I knew would never heal.

Tonight, I ache for those who bleed

At the mercy of forces they cannot stop.

Tonight, I cry because somewhere, I know

My student cries the same.

 

High

High.

That’s where I am.

High, apple pie, sky high!

High as I flew, a child on the swings!

High as a bird riding the invisible!

I don’t belong in the sky…

I’m so high up that anything is possible.

My best friend will flash me her smile!

My heart will never pine for lost love again!

The darkness can never touch me,

So long as I stay this high!

This isn’t hope; it’s just another lie…

Euphoric, exhilarated, excited for life!

This isn’t an illusion gifted by impairment!

I did this! My own mind!

All I need is–

What? Why am I here…

My heart shrieks for all to witness:

“You can’t touch me! You can’t stop me! You can’t–”

Please, not again…

Then you do.

You, the world, shatter me.

You, my life, pull me down.

You, my mind, rip away the bliss of the High.

Returning to where I belong…

And I fall down.

Down, below the earth.

Down, through the surface.

Down…

To the everwaiting darkness.

Oh, how I hate the High…

It Was Bad Today

It was bad today.

It was the kind of bad that makes it hard

To put one foot in front of the other,

To smile at people I love,

To be around happiness.

 

It was bad today,

And I didn’t ask anyone for help.

I didn’t reach out because

You said you didn’t want to,

And you said that I was weak,

And you said that people like me

Didn’t have a place in this world.

 

It was bad today,

So I tried to do everything right.

I smiled,

I put myself in crowds of people,

I laughed.

 

It was bad today,

And I was alone.

Him

I’m searching for a connection

Without a direction.

I’ve got to capture that feeling

I felt when he had me reeling.

The way I felt when his eyes

Held promises of love’s endless skies,

And the way his hands felt

Caressing my hair and making my heart melt.

The way that his arms

Still make feel safe from harm,

And the way that his smile

Still makes my heart beat, like running a mile,

Tell me I still love him,

But now that I need him

I can’t breathe without him,

My mind boils with him,

He’s leaving me cold,

But I can’t shake the hold

That he has on my heart.

I tell myself that he’s only a part

Of the greater whole

And one day, I won’t feel this hole

That I feel when he leaves me

Lonely as he’s sleeping carefree.

I’m hurting inside,

But his blind spots are wide,

And he is dumb to my pain.

My heart, by his sword, is laid slain.

My tears are stupid to him.

My cries are unjust to him.

My needs are pointless to him.

My love is useless to him.

Earn his affections? I’ve tried.

Beg for his attention? I’ve cried.

I’m standing in the bathroom,

As, drunkenly, the world swoons.

I demand to know why,

As I watch myself cry.

Why does he say that he loves me

Only to leave my arms empty?

Is my character to rough?

Do I not laugh enough?

Do I worry too much?

Am I only a crutch

For him to lean on

Until the next lover comes along?

Do I need to dye my hair

To match his last flare?

Maybe for him to be impressed

I need to don a prettier dress?

Is it the way that I walk?

Or, perhaps, it’s the speed at which I talk?

Was it all my of my scars

That made him stop seeing stars?

Are my jokes too queer?

Is it all I hold dear?

Does he really love me?

I wish I could see

The truth within him,

The thoughts that circle him,

The past that built him,

The reason that, to him,

I will always be in second place.

Will I always hate my own face?

How can I best dance

To earn his coveted romance?

Even though my heart sings,

I fear I will always be his nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

Time for a Laugh

Well, I have once again forgotten to come up with a decent post ahead of time. I am planning a short story or two for the next week or so, so be on the lookout! 

For now, please have a laugh on me.

My girls shared this video with me awhile back, and it makes me burst out laughing every time I see it!

https://youtu.be/6A9M226_28Y